- People who text during movies: When someone politely asks you to please wait until after a viewing of “Jackass 3D” to text someone, please don’t turn around and call him an “a—hole.” There were two (count ‘em) TWO ads asking the audience to not talk or text, and this dumb fat stupid idiot…you do the math.
- While we’re at it, People who talk on their phones during movies: Do you think telling us “It’s my wife” is really going to make us forget that you are a p-whipped buffoon? Seriously, I make the following proposal; you get one warning from the movie theater. Do it again, you are BANNED FOR LIFE from said-theater. Seriously, movie theaters of America, you need to do more about this, because people are staying home in droves. BTW please watch this and tell me you are not delighted.
- The douche who tries to contribute during a stand-up show: This is different from heckling, which is making fun of the comedian. Instead, this retard so desperately wishes he is onstage and wants to be the center of attention that he demands it, instead of commanding it. Hey idiot, Sarah Silverman is up there, you stay down here, you may laugh, but otherwise, shut the hell up.
- People that text while driving: Never mind that you are unsafe, you are revealing to the world that you have the attention span of a goldfish. Trust me, you can wait to tell Tammy “LOL OMG I’M AN IDIOT” until you get to the hair salon.
- While we’re at it, Passive-Aggressive Drivers: Yes, I am waiting for you to leave so that I may have your parking spot at Best Buy. You are aware of this. This I know, because you have decided to retouch your make up. But you feel offended because you have the IQ of a rattle. So take your time, jerk, I don’t mind.
- Reality “stars”: You do not contribute value to society. You just remind us that all it takes to be rich and famous these days is out of control narcissism and an inability to have empathy.
- Yankees fans who aren’t from New York: I live in North Dakota, I kinda like baseball, what team should I root for? How about the team that has the most money and therefore always wins? Moneyball, Schmoneyball (and go Phillies).
- The dude on the left: Actually, while we are at it, the chick on the right. You can form your own judgments why, but he is a douche, and she is with said-douche, so they both suck.
All of you, please kill yourselves. The world is overpopulated and we have no use for you. And while we’re at it, to the rest of you, do not date anyone in this list. You will get herpes and die.