I am attending a Dating with Dignity teleseminar, an 8 week class on how to completely change your dating life. It’s called Breaking Free From Your Romantic Rut.
Now, you’ll notice, if you click on the above link, the seminar is a class for women who: (I am just selecting my favorites)
-Never seem to get past 3 dates with the same guy, AND then blame the world that there aren’t any men who are right for YOU.
-Are frustrated dating men who seem to communicate EXCLUSIVELY via texting, IMs, Skype, Facebook and other social media.
-Want to be attracted to “nice” guys and want to begin to feel less attracted to the men you usually can’t resist–you know, the guys who are “edgy,” “cool” or completely unavilable.
The website then said “if this sounds like you….” I emailed back the publicist and said “I’ll take the class, but that doesn’t sound like me. At all. I just wanted you to know.” They still wanted me to take it, and I figured I could learn from it, because anyone can learn from self improvement classes.
So I’m reviewing these classes, but I shouldn’t be telling you the exact methods that are being used so that we can break free from our romantic rut. The first 2 classes have been interesting, talking about lies you believe about yourself and other people, assumptions you make, and determining what you REALLY want.
On this last call, Marni had us do something that was, frankly, a little depressing. She had us draw a big circle on a piece of paper and then map out our dating pattern. Not only what we do, but how we feel when we do it. Mine went like this:
1. Find someone I like (feel hopeful).
2. Really like them, think I will be with them forever (wanting to feel secure).
3. Fall in love, mutually. But I really want them to fall for me (That would be a feeling of power).
4. Things happen. This can vary, anything from abusive relationship to finding out my boyfriend is starring in online porn videos with a porn name, to just realizing our lives aren’t compatible. (Discourage/disappointment).
5. Try to change the other person/Try to change self. Through talking, counseling, etc (Frustration, hope, frustration).
6. Feel like there is no progress (resentful of other person).
7. Think about future without that person (I don’t know if this is a “feeling”, but something snaps).
8. Break up with person as quickly as possible (that’s a learned one, that used to be “drag it out” -feel relief).
9. Find someone I like (see #1).
Now. The above circle made me realize that I am kind of a cold hearted wench. I am picking people and being like “Love MEEEEE!!!!” and then at some point getting scared, or maybe I never really liked them, I just wanted the love, and then breaking up.
These articles go so much better when I am drunk. Anyway, Marni pointed out that unless we understand this circle, we can’t make a choice to break out of it. So the next time I see this patter, like, #4, I need to resolve to step out of my pattern and make a different choice. I’m not quite sure how to do that yet (I’m sure we’ll address it on a future conference call).
So so far, even though Marni has taken what I hate the most (conference calls) and combined them with the other thing I hate the most (The Secret -type of mentality and exercises), she has some really good points. We all have relationship patterns. We all like to think we don’t, but we do.
A very good friend of mine (who doesn’t read this column, in fact, few people do anymore) came to me recently and was very upset. I gave him some apples, and listened to him talk. While he was talking, I realized he was in the exact same situation he had been in last year. And this wasn’t the first time, in our seven year friendship, I had heard him in a situation like this. And I got so frustrated, thinking “Why aren’t you learning?” But I think what I was really mad at is “Why am I not learning?” And mad that he took my apples. But I didn’t have any other food and if someone is crying you have to put something in their mouth. That’s what he said.
So. I hope I don’t get in trouble for revealing one of the Teleseminar Techniques, but think about it. Not just with relationships, but what do you cycle in? Why? How do you feel at each point?
Writing down what my cycle is was very revealing, and hopefully will change how I behave in my current relationship. I guess the bottom line is, if something isn’t working–change it. What are you going to change?