Four months ago I got into a relationship with a man I thought really cared for me. He was everything I could have dreamed of – a Minister in church and a loyal, loving, caring, respectful type of guy. Then a month ago, he changed into this person I did not know.
He started to use a lot of curse words and became very abusive towards me and my daughter. He also began to see other women and would try to hide the fact from me. He did not want me at his apartment or to ride in his car. I am trying to find out what I did wrong. I was very sweet to this man.
I am a very beautiful woman with morals. Recently we broke up, but now he wants to be friends and still have sex with me but without the commitment. Am I that bad of a woman that the only thing I am good for is sex?
Hurt and Heartbroken
The confusion and hurt feelings you express in this letter are almost palpable. I’m sorry that your relationship ended so badly and that your daughter was involved in the nonsense. But I think it important to tell you that usually the nice, the sweet, the devoted women are the ones that get dogged by men.
Women that are direct, open, loving and supportive with every man they become involved with don’t have enough “game” to deal successfully with Black men. Most Brothas have a lot of game and to deal successfully with Black men, you better know how to recognize the games and play them to win yourself.
The thing that confuses me about your letter is why you are internalizing his behavior and assuming responsibility for a grown man’s stupidity? I mean, what is it that makes you think you have all this magical power over him and how he conducts himself? Why are you blaming yourself for the fact that he is trying to see if he can set you up to be used for sex? He has the freedom to ask if you will be silly and desperate enough to go for this nonsense, but he cannot be successful unless you present yourself as a willing victim.
I recently wrote several articles about unscrupulous pastors and ministers that you might want to read which proves that this guy is not unique. It’s time for you to accept that whatever you had with this knucklehead – a true devil up in the church if I ever saw one – IS OVER. Move on and don’t waste another second of your life on him.
Your first priority as a single mother is to protect your child from foolishness and abuse. Once this boyfriend did anything that you constituted as verbal, psychological or physical abuse of your child the very first time he did it, you should have dismissed him immediately! He should not have had access to your child or more opportunities to repeatedly abuse her with words or deeds.
And if you are going to be in church and calling yourself a Christian woman, then be all the way in it and stop fornicating. You cannot expect to have your life work out right if you try to pick and choose which parts of the Word you are going to follow and which you are going to conveniently ignore. Being true to your religious beliefs should not and does not work like that.
What always happens when you play with fire and do things that are contrary to the beliefs you SAY you hold, you will get burnt. You were both wrong here and I would suppose that lack of conviction and failure to uphold your stated spiritual beliefs were a direct contributor to things turning out the way they did. Learn from your mistakes here and move on.
Spend more time talking and getting to a know the men you become romantically involved with. Screen them carefully to make sure they not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. Taking your time with men is even more important when you are a single parent and have a child’s mental health and innocence to protect.