Another way to experience your partner fully is by “making love”. Sex is very important in an adult relationship. You do need to know if you are sexually compatible. Sex is about sharing one another, in every way. Controllers do not make for good sexual partners. The physical act may be good, but the other necessities are often not there. Sex for them is also for power and control; power over you, and controlling you. “We will have sex when I want it, and how I want it.”
Men in their dating profiles will say “love to touch, snuggle, etc.”. Those same guys who can’t “do the beach” (controllers) also can’t just touch and snuggle. Controllers tend to only touch right before sex. Touch means sex is coming, or sex will be next. And so, in bad marriages, touch actually becomes an undesirable thing unless they were wanting sex. Touch was not something wonderful that you do all through the day. Touch may lead to someone getting horny or God forbid, someone feeling things for the person they are with. A new dynamic in dating men in their 50’s, 60’s is that they cannot (usually) experience more than one orgasm in half a day, or a day for some. (or are just afraid they will not be able to perform). Most men, of course, still feel that when they have sex they must have an orgasm. This seems to be a source of uneasiness in this age group. For controllers sex is achievement oriented. The goal is to have an orgasm(the touchdown); to show talent, to perform.
So, suppose a dating couple has already “had sex” in the morning. For women, then, including Linda, they want to touch and snuggle during the day—it does not mean they want to have sex— or maybe it would be fun to “play around” again and not have an orgasm. But what Linda found in beach deficit men is that the men felt uncomfortable touching, except leading up to sex. They clearly felt that touch, kissing, hugging, meant that they might have to “perform” again. That was scary. Linda actually had men say, when she hugged or kissed, or sat close during the day, “Oh my God, you are wearing me out!”. She knew what they meant— “I can’t do it again right now.” What she meant was, “ I love touching you, kissing, hugging, sitting close”. She knew she would not be compatible with these men.
Stan was also not a toucher, but loved sex in bed at night. Kissing for him meant sex is coming. Linda could tell that his bad 30 year marriage was this way— disconnected, sex at night, no intimacy, nothing during the day, no romanticism. Linda wondered why men were so stuck in doing things “the old way” when they knew that their marriages, relationships, had been bad, unfulfilling. Why were they not hungry for intimacy and all those things they had not had? These men were not in touch with themselves, with their partners, with life and with normalcy. These are the same men who would say that their ex-wives became cold and did not want sex anymore. Linda understood why. Stan even put in his profile, “great kisser; loves kissing”. The only kissing that took place with him was in bed at night. Kissing and hugging, sitting close touching involves being able to “feel”— to connect with the other person—to allow vulnerability and feel closeness. Some men just cannot do this: intimacy, closeness, feeling feelings: just feels foreign, scary to them. But unattached , raw sex is not scary to them. But these people are emotionally empty.
Controllers often end up cheating on their partners. There was Peter. He cheated on women because he could. It showed skill. It showed that he was “charming”. When he was having sex with women he felt things; he felt somewhat of a connection, although it was just a physical connection. He could dream that they had sex with him because they liked him. It boosted his ego. BUT because Peter was raised by a controlling father who used only punishment with him, he was totally unable to see consequences to his actions. Punishment teaches a person to just be skilled at hiding their actions; making sure they don’t get caught; it does not teach conscience and learning to anticipate consequences. Peter was good at lying and hiding his actions. He was proud of those skills. Peter saw hitting on secretaries, and other women, and having sex with them as “winning women”. He was not skilled in life skills and life period so he became skilled in “getting women”. He was tall, handsome, had a commanding voice and knew how to con and charm women, and others. Having sex with women was just about the only way he felt connected to human beings and life. He actually felt “sensations” when having sex. The rest of his life he was unable to feel things— he was disconnected from himself and life. He said women told him he was a sexual addict—over sexed. He also used sex for power and control. Sex with him was mechanical. He was trying to yield power, control and to show his “skills”. At age 60 Peter was being affected by the aging process. He was not always able to perform as he had when he was young. This made him furious—irritable. His sexual prowess was fading. He bought more and more “toys” to fill in the gaps. The things that he was skilled at were fading—sex with women, attracting whoever he wanted, having affairs while he was married. At the end of sex he would say things like, “ Ah, I needed that.” Controllers do things for themselves, not for others. They are ego oriented. They do not compliment you with words like, “You were great”.
… Controlling people, if they don’t get help, become crotchety old people. When we lose our beauty(outward), our sexual prowess, some of our skills, we must have other things to value when we grow older: strong relationships, good communication, attitudes, improvement, encouragement, trying hard, goodness, kindness, contribution, joy, having fun, peace, sharing, caring, learning a lot, learning a new skill, creativity, patience, finding good in others. We supposedly are supposed to grow wiser as we grow older. Controlling people do not. As they have tried to control life and people, using negativity, lying, manipulating they have run into life’s roadblocks. They have not found satisfying relationships. They do not have the tools or the attitudes to face stress and things not going their way.
Controllers attempt to find some way to connect to life, to have their breath taken away. For many sex is the only way they feel connected, and many become sex addicts. But “moments that take our breath away” is referring to not only physical sex, but the wondrous connection via the heart and soul and being; the emotional connection. Controllers usually do not experience the “oneness” of melding souls; the full range of emotions. They are not “making love”, they are “having sex”.
Controllers have not learned to be affectionate, not as a reward, not to get sex, but just because it’s a great thing to do to get close and communicate love; if you need help with this, practice just sitting and touching: touch your partner’s whole body, piece by piece, slowly…. Soooo nice. Adults from controlling, spanking, hitting, negative parents, (men especially are taught that touching is not masculine), do not experience positive, good touch much, if at all. They only experience “bad” touch. These men have to learn about good touch, and how wonderful it is.