I’ve been married for a long time to a good man. I got married too young, and when I got married I had very low self esteems. It was hard for me to believe that anyone as handsome and wonderful as my husband actually wanted to marry me. I was so enamored with that thought that I never really gave a lot of thought to whether or not I was actually “in love” with him. Deep down I thought, “what’s not to love? He’s handsome, intelligent, and loving. Most of all, he wants ME.” I spent the first years of my marriage trying to prove that I was worthy of him by trying to be the perfect wife and mother.
As the years have gone by, I have come to doubt whether or not I love him. Some days I don’t even like him. Not only that, but the things that initially drew me to him now turn me off completely. I’ve tried and tried to change the way I feel about him, because I have no desire to hurt him. On the other hand, I feel a deep yearning inside for something more. I don’t want another man. I just want some time to get reacquainted with myself. I want to be alone for awhile. I’ve never had the opportunity to be alone and independent. I’m craving that now. I may fall on my face, but I feel a need to at least try.
Am I being selfish?
Confused in Charlotte
What you are experiencing happens a lot to those who get married too young. You make a life commitment to another person before you have gotten to know yourself as an individual. You get caught up in the romance and the excitement of being wanted. For someone who suffers from low self esteem, there is no greater pull. You get so immersed in those feelings of being loved and wanted that you don’t take the time to evaluate if you actually feel the same way about the other person.
Time has a way of opening up the doors of reality. What we see beyond those doors is not always what we hope to see. What we see is often frightening, harsh and confusing.
You owe it to yourself and to your marriage to get to know yourself. If you have this longing deep inside of you, then you are never going to be happy or satisfied until you explore it. The best advice I can give to you is for you to talk to your husband and share with him this need that you have. He may or may not understand it. He probably won’t understand it, but you need to be honest with him anyway. Remember, this isn’t about him. This is about you and something that you need to do for yourself.
It is up to you as to how you will go about this re-acquaintance with yourself. It may mean separating from your husband for a period of time. It may mean going away for a short vacation alone. That is up to you. During that time, you may discover that not only do you finally love yourself…but that you actually love your husband too.