In the wake of rumors about Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, infidelity is in the news again.Annette Bening and Warren Beatty: split rumors flying
Leading marriage experts tell us that there is one sure-fire method to deal with a man having an affair and saving your marriage — a kind heart-to-heart talk without having done lots of snooping and meeting him with evidence in hand.
When infidelity does occur, most wives are not the last to know. They suspect. They see clues and ignore them. They deny. As I wrote in Infidelity and love: a simple 3 step plan if you suspect cheating research at Yale found that when a marriage was in trouble, wives knew — their sixth sense told them so. This was documented In a book called Einstein’s Space and Van Gogh’s Sky: Physical Reality and Beyond by Leland LeShaun and Dr. Henry Margenau. The late professor emeritus of physics and natural history at Yale, Dr. Margenau was also interested in parapsychology.
Even if you do not believe in women’s intuition, you can be sure of one thing. If you are unhappy in a marriage, so is your spouse. What can you do?
Here are the 5 best tips for survival
1. Be aware of the red flags
2. Talk to your spouse
3. Understand the root of the problem
4. For the sake of your health, be willing to forgive
5. Find a qualified marriage counselor
The Red Flags
These are from WebMD and there is a link at the end for more reading
No. 1: Crying Out for Help
No. 2: Sudden Change — or Interest — in Appearance.
No. 3: Unconstructive Criticism
No. 4: Guilt Gifts
No. 5: Snubbed at the Company Party
No. 6: Sneaking
No. 7: History Repeats Itself (but not always — marriages can be saved after infidelity as we have learned from other WebMD features.) Nip Infidelity in the Bud — and this article lists marriage saving solutions.
Talk to your spouse
Set up a meeting time, go out to dinner, and gently and kindly say, “I feel something in our marriage is not right, what can we do to fix it?”
No accusations. No notes in your hand that says, “Look at these cell phone bills.” Just a good honest talk. If you bring up infideltiy, he will deny it. But who cares? Keep your goal in mind. If it is to save your marriage, this is the most rational way to proceed.
Snooping puts you on the same level as the person cheating — he is sneaking around and so are you.
Here is advice from Dr. Larry Barlow, executive director of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy in the state of Florida regarding cheating suspicions.
“‘Before you purchase a gadget to spy on your mate, you may want to give it some serious thought. If you do so and find nothing, you just placed yourself in a situation where you are now the one who has something to hide,’ Dr. Barlow warns. Infidelity: ‘Talk, ask, and don’t snoop’ says leading marriage doctor
Understand the root of the problem — the bigger problem
But what about you? Keep in mind that this is not a criticism, simply a reality of life that women experience when too much responsibility is heaped upon them.
- Are you more critical?
- Do you oftentimes deny him sex?
- When you do have an argument, do you refuse to kiss and make-up?
- Has your appearance changed from smart to sloppy?
- Are you overwhelmed and perhaps depressed? A depressed spouse is often a trigger for infidelity
In her article at the Huff Post, Sarah Harrison says, “Cheating means the partner who steps out isn’t getting something they need from the relationship. If it’s impossible to fix that problem, you may need to end the relationship.
“But that isn’t realistic for some couples, especially when children are involved.
“Plus, if you do get to the root of the affair, your partnership can emerge stronger than ever. For that to happen, both members of the couple have to be willing to do the healing work–and that might mean that the person who was cheated on has to acknowledge their part in the affair.
The part the injured partner played may be small, but a relationship is made of two people. If something goes wrong, it’s happened to both people.
“Don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming the victim. If both parties promised fidelity and one broke the promise, that person has done something wrong. But it’s not helpful to assign all the blame to one partner, and then say the blameless partner should get rid of the cheater. The only way to figure out how to move forward is to work together–and that often mans staying together. Yes, it will be difficult to learn to trust again, and it may take several years, but it can be done.” Sarah Harrison: Why You Shouldn’t Necessarily Leave a Cheating Husband
For the sake of your health be willing to forgive
Forgiveness saves your health. Angry, bitter women determined to “get even” will find that hostility is a predictor of heart attacks — as I have documented in previous articles. Have a look at the faces of these two women — one forgave her husband and despite a divorce, found new love. The other sued her husband and accomplished nothing. Dr. Phil talks infidelity, Jenny Sanford and Cynthia Shackelford, forgiveness and revenge
Find a qualified marriage counselor
Infidelity numbers in this country are low. All the international authorities, whose studies are funded by the National Science Foundation, totally DISAGREE with Internet infidelity writers whose numbers are unscientific, inflated, based on personal interviews. or complied from Internet surveys.
What does this mean? You may mistake depression in your husband for infidelity.
Be cautious about the advice you follow. If you are in a position where infidelity is at issue– find trusted experts who have credentials and licenses with the expertise to guide you into the decision that is best for you and your family.
Love secrets: 3 best tips for lifelong romance
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Here are articles from other Examiners that offer love and marriage tips:
Charlotte Love and Marriage Examienr
- 7 Steps to a Harmonious Marriage
- 7 Secrets to a Long … and Happy Marriage
- 7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love
West Palm Beach Examiner, a licensed psychtherapist
- How to remodel your marriage
INFIDELITY FAST FACTS from my website
- Infidelity Fast Facts, Love: fewer than 20 percent ever cheat
- Infidelity: Fast Facts, Love: only 5 percent of men cheat annually
- Infidelity Fast Facts, Love: fewer than 3 percent of women cheat each year
- Infidelity Fast Facts, Love: cheating figures you can trust
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