(This is the second installment of my Monday Morning Madness series.)
Saturday Night At The Movies: How I Got My $25.17 Worth
My “date” was former Sugar Shane Mosley promoter Cedric Kushner.
Ever the thrifty lad, Kushner’s eyes lit up like Christmas trees when I told him we could see the Golden Boy “Clebrate & Dominate” show from LA at Clearview Cinemas on West 23rd Street in Manhattan for a measly $20 each.
Kushner has been studying at the Joe DeGuardia School of Pennypinching and he wanted to see if he could put this education to practical use.
Sly Ced suggested we walk in backwards and. if we got nabbed, we could say we were exiting the celluloid palace.
We dined at a dive called “Trailer Park,” across the street from the movie house. It’s one of those faux White Trash joints with cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon submerged in an icy washtub.
The eatery (if not the patrons) reminded me of the time Kushner ran a show in Roanoke, Va., and we walked past a restaurant whose clientele resembled the crowd in the bar on “Star Wars.”
A little bit inbred if you know what I mean. (This in an area where a reference to a first wedding means the bridge and groom are first cousins. A second marriage is with a second cousin and so on.)
Suffice to say one gnomish fellow had one eye and three ears. Locally he was known as “Handsome Leroy.”
“That reminds me,” Kushner said, “that incest really is a game the whole family can play.”
And the time Kushner took us to a lowdown sleaze bar in Darlington, UK, where they had a 25 cent cover charge.
“That’s to keep the riffraff out,” Kushner said.
The mustachioed Kushner–known to many as “The Walrus” and others as “Swamp Rat”–shoveled down some turkey chili with the obligatory Diet Coke plus a splash of Rose’s lime juice. Me, I limited myself to the sweet potato fries, a cardiologist’s dream plate.
We walked into the threater just in time to see Antonio Escalante get crushed by a revived Daniel Ponce de Leon.
It’s a little knonw fact that Daniel is related to the Ponce de Leon who discovered the Fountain of Youth. I think it’s a cantina in Juarez.
I did grab a small bag of popcorn on the way just in case Kernel Sanders showed up.
So my whole cost was $25.17.
Excluding the popcorn, here’s how I assigned value to the experience:
$10.00–The ecstatic feeling I had when Jim Lampley exclaimed, “This decision sucks!”
$3.00–The joy I felt when Lampley labeled the verdict “atrocious.”
$3.00–My warm glow when I heard Lampley described the draw vote as “atrocious.”
$2.00–Giddiness I felt when Lamps called the outcome “a travesty.”
$1.00–The mild euphoria I experienced as Lamps called it “an injustice.”
$4.00 –The huge HD screen was excellent. Little did we know going in that it would the biting, cuastic and acerbic Lampley who lit it up more than any of the fighters.
$3.00–Listening to Victor Ortiz, who is only vicious with his punching accuracy, ramble on in his postfight interview with that still spot on Old Gent Lawrence Merchant. Say what you will about Ortiz, this kid speaks from the heart and realizes now you can’t get total adoration from fight fans.
$2.00–Being able to mouth off at the movies. Kush Groove and I were accompanied by only about eight other fans at the theater. In Dallas, Examiner Matt Stolow said he was one of two people watching at a theater. Just before the 10th round, I got a few cheap laughs from the peanut gallery by yelling, “Sergio, pace yourself!” Normally, I don’t yell at the flicks.
$3.00–Getting my first long look at Mexican comer Canelo Alvarez. He’s a genuine talent and he’s bright enough to know he may be 18 months away (he’s just 20) from fighting the top echelon guys at 147 and 154 pounds. He could be Mexico’s next legend in the making though I share Lampley’s concern about his hand speed.
Would anybody be offended if I brand this kid “Carrotop?”
$1.00–Seeing the end of Not So Vicious Vivian Harris’ career. Nobody bollixed up Harris’ career more than he did. On the other hand, his chin is made of papier-mache. Always suspicious that everyone was taking advantage of him, Harris went on to take advantage of himself.
My account, Bernie “Two Sets Of Books” Braunstein, just pointed out to me that my total expenditure was actually $32.00.
Come to think, Lampley is starting to remind me of Oscar Levant at his bitchy best.
And I mean that sincerely not sarcastically.
What a night at the movies.
Kushner didn’t even try to take advantage of me on the way home.
Thankfully, as I saw more than rassling and clinching with Sergio and Shane, if you know what I mean.
If it wasn’t for “Lamps Unto My Feet,” and his biting, caustic and acerbic but radar targted commentary the whole night would’ve been a colossal bore.
Except for “Canelo” and those sweet potato fries, that is.