Gnomes are coming to kill you.
There, I said it. Somebody has to have the courage to speak out against our gnome oppressors.
I risk much by telling you this. If you don’t see any more reviews from me you know why.
I can see you are skeptical. What’s to fear from little statues with conical hats that smile in our gardens, on our windowsills, or – heaven forbid – in our kitchens where there are a host of killing implements? I’ll tell you what: murder.
Forget the illusionist gnomes from Dungeons & Dragons, the technology gnomes from World of Warcraft, or the little garden guardians smiling up at you with cherubic faces. Thanks to that accursed traveling gnome, the gnomenace has spread far and wide: there are over 25 MILLION of the evil things lurking in Germany alone!
But it gets worse than that. There are legions of people duped by their charms – literally, they charm people with their creepy evil eye magic – and thus we have garden gnome organizations (FLNJ, MALAG, look it up) dedicated to freeing the horrible things. They are spreading the disease. A gnomalady, if you will.
This book is the cure. It doesn’t have everything it should – there’s a distinct lack of information on gnome biology – but for anti-gnome tactics it can’t be beat. From a big %#&! dog to spiked pit traps, this book plots out how to prepare for gnome warfare.
The best thing you can do to prepare for the coming gnomevasion is to understand that beneath those cheery looks is a murderous mind waiting, just waiting, for you to leave a steak knife out on a counter. Baudelaire once said the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. What the history books won’t tell you is that Baudelaire got that from Paracelsus. He was writing about gnomes.
With this book, I’m one step closer to preparing for the gnomepocalypse
But first, I need to buy a big %#&! dog.
Garden Gnome (CR 3, HD 3d6+12)
NE Tiny Fey (Earth)
Init +4 Spd 30; Burrow 10
Senses Low-light Vision (Ex); | Listen +7, Spot +6
AC 21 (FF 17, Touch 16)
hp 22 (Disabled -4/Dying -18/Injury 18)
Saves: Fort +5, Ref +7, Will +4
Atk -1 base melee, +7 base ranged; Grapple -11;
+3 Ranged (Eggshell grenade, Flashpowder /crit 20/x2);
+3 Ranged (Spear 1d4-4/crit 20/x3);
+3 Ranged (Shortbow 1d3-4/crit 20/x3);
+3 Ranged (Sling 1d2-4/crit 20/x2);
+3 Ranged (Dagger 1d2-4/crit 19-20/x2);
-1 Melee (Scythe 1d4-4/crit 20/x4);
+3 Melee (Handaxe 1d3-4/crit 20/x3);
+3 Melee (Sickle 1d3-4/crit 20/x2);
+3 Melee (Dagger 1d2-4/crit 19-20/x2);
+3 Melee (Unarmed strike 1-4/crit 20/x2);
SQ: Freeze (Ex)
Abilities STR 3, DEX 19, CON 18, INT 11, WIS 13, CHA 11
Feats: Martial Weapon Proficiency: Scythe, Weapon Finesse.
Skills: Climb + 2, Hide + 18, Knowledge (Geography) + 3, Listen + 9, Move Silently + 10, Spot + 8, Survival + 4.
Weapons: Dagger; Eggshell grenade, Flashpowder; Handaxe; Scythe; Shortbow; Sickle; Sling; Spear.
Freeze (Ex): A gnome can hold itself so still it appears to be a statue. An observer must succeed on a DC 20 Spot check to notice the gnome is really alive.
Poison Use (Ex): Gnomes tip their piercing and slashing weapons with blue whinnis poison (Injury DC 14; 1 Con/Unconsciousness).
Eggshell Grenade (Ex): A flashpowder grenade explodes in a flash of light. Everyone within 10 feet must make a Fortitude save (DC 10) of be blinded for 1d4 rounds.
Skills: Gnomes have a +2 racial bonus on Hide, Listen, and Spot checks.
You can order this book from Amazon.